left of center in ri

here i am, a few days into my home for the holidays mode and i can start to see again. the blur that has been the past month has begun to come into focus. the blur that was me, has begun to take shape. 

i am still feeling a little alien to my skin, a little bit like who was that wild child that slithered her way around the city at odd hours in snow storms and hail? that took cabs to upper west side abodes and subways at hours past pitch. who was that masked crusader trying to live like they do in the tv shows and movies. who was that girl? and from here, in the safety of my mother’s house in Coventry I can sorta see who she was, and still is. Part of me is missing the excitement already. But the more sustainable part is speaking loudly and making her voice, my voice heard.

“Luke I am your father…”

Wait…sorry wrong movie. Ha!

Seriously, I don’t mean to sound all whacked out, I’m not. It’s just I’m trying to get a grip on the life I just attempted to live the past month and it’s still not quite in hand. All I know is I am looking forward to seeing my RI friends and family. I need reminders of where I’ve come from and how proud I should be of where I am. I need to talk and remember and laugh about the old version of me who was afraid of everything including her own shadow. I need to remember that I’m not the same lost little girl that would cling to a man for all the wrong reasons, because clearly I left that version of myself far behind. I am anxious to renew my spirit because this past month it was broken, albeit temporarily. I guess what i’m talking about here is be niave. About not being by touched by things that take a person’s glow away. I still have a part of me that is so much a child that when i’m confronted with the hard facts of life in a big bad city (that i never had to take part in before) it rocked my core. And left me left of center.

I am hoping this trip home to RI will get me back to my middle. That the people that have known me since the days of long before this will remind me of the more innocent times, the happier times, the less complicated times…

like…newport parades in the snow

like…cabletron softball games

like…halloween parties that ended at dawn

like…christmas eve celebrations with oodles of fam all around

like…i don’t know…it all seems a lifetime ago…

i’m still not sure how to get back what i allowed myself to lose this past month, but i’m going to try…